Very shortly after the day I was saved, things began to change between Lynn and I and eventually ended with him giving me an ultimatum; either give up on Jesus, or I would have to leave. I was 25, my daughter seven. I was weary from a life lived without God up till a few months ago, I'd hoped to be able to live out a life now raising my daughter and hoped for other children with Lynn. Now, it seemed this was not to be. I had to make a choice, and one I never thought I'd face; either renounce my faith in Christ or leave and depend on this new faith to sustain me no matter what I had to go through. I thought about it a couple of days saying nothing, but about three days after he first spoke this to me, he came again and repeated the choices, and I knew he wanted an answer right then.
I'd been looking at the ground when he was talking to me, but when he finished I looked up and said "You've given me no choice, I won't deny my faith in Christ for you, or anything in this world now. I will leave as soon as I can get myself and Carrie together, and will be gone." Within a few hours I had several packed suit cases in my car, and we left.
For the next 2 and a half yrs., we lived a life of uncertainty, moved several times to different apartments, then to New York to my family. I clung to God, read his word every day, went to church, and spent a great deal of time trying to find work that would support us, working jobs anywhere I could to get enough to make ends meet. Everyone told me I should never go back to Lynn, and forget him. But, when I took this to God in prayer, I always got the same answer deep in my spirit-"keep praying for your marriage to be restored." Against everyone's advice, and against all the odds, I did keep praying, but also kept working and planning as if I'd always be on my own. I didn't just sit and wait for a miracle and do nothing, I kept moving forward, and supporting myself and my daughter while I waited to see what would happen.
Shortly before Christmas of 1981, Lynn started getting in touch with my mother, and told her he knew he'd made a mistake, and wanted me to come back and remarry him. My mother approached me about this and went back to Lynn a couple of times on the phone, and toward the end of November, he came to see me, wanting to talk. Before he arrived, I asked God to help me make the right decision. When he came through the door he looked into my eyes and said "I need to talk to you", we went to a back room and sat together and I let him do the talking. He repeated to me what he said to my mother, and asked me if I'd marry him again. Right then, I felt the heavy presence of God upon us both. I knew that whatever I chose, it would be for keeps. If I said no, I would never see Lynn again, I knew this. But, I also knew he was still not saved. Several pastors had advised me to not return to him because of this, and the drinking. The day I'd gotten saved, the Lord had delivered me from alcoholism, and was now free. I held no condemnation toward Lynn, because I'd been the same as him. When he saw the changes in me and what Jesus had done, this is what caused him to reject me. Returning to him and remarrying him still unsaved was going to require a great deal of steadfast faith, and a chance that he may never come to salvation. But, in my mind I reasoned that if God had brought Lynn to this point, I could believe him to open Lynn's heart and bring him to salvation as he did me. With all this going through my mind as I sat there and listened to him; he stopped and looked at me for my answer, I said "Yes, we will start again." The look in his eyes was the confirmation I needed, I knew he truly loved me.
We remarried January 2, 1982, that began a journey of many trials, joys, hardships, physical suffering and wondering at times if I'd made a mistake. Seven months after our remarriage, we were full of hope of being able to have more children, he was taking tests at the VA hospital to check his sperm count and fertility, I was also taking tests to see if there was any problems. We wanted more children so much. But, on a hot muggy July night he came home not feeling well from work, and progressively worsened through the night. Finally we knew something was very wrong, I took him to the local clinic, and there they called an ambulance because the doctor knew he was having a heart attack. He survived, but it ended any chance of having more children, and the next 22 yrs. were difficult for him, and had to be on medications the rest of his life along with regular doctor care.
But, the praise to God in all of this is the fact of God's strength, guidance, and his relentless pursuit of Lynn's soul. This is the most important issue in this whole story. Gods love for a man who admitted himself that he had no desire to know who God was, or acknowledge him in his daily life. There were many times I'd ask the Lord why he had me return to him, because of the rebellion, and at times outright hatred I could see in Lynn toward any mention of God. But, I had made the choice to return, and with the same determination in getting remarried; I pounded on heavens gates in prayer for Lynn's soul, and that he would get saved before he died; that the devil wouldn't be able to kill him before he did. Oh yes, I rebuked the devil, prayed for God to mightily save Lynn and use him, make a preacher out of him, or a servant of some sort. I pleaded for a mighty deliverance, fasted many many times. But, I've also learned that God has to work with peoples wills, and will not force anyone to come to him. It has to be the persons free choice. God's perfect will isn't always accomplished in someone's life; a sad reality. Many times I watched knowing God was dealing with Lynn in a situation very heavily and saw the refusal, and rebellion take over, and watched him purposely do things to ruin his health, make wrong decisions and regret them, business deals that I knew were wrong; and he'd pay the price for it in many ways. The enemies schemes to destroy a person are relentless, intercession is effective warfare, when you stay connected with God and stand your ground. But, many give up, and believe the devils lies when he whispers in your ear that nothing will ever change. For me, it was a life or death battle, and there was no turning back.
On October 2, 2003 while in a hospital waiting room sitting with Lynn as he waited to be taken in for another heart cauterization, I felt a very heavy presence of God on us both again, and in my mind knew I needed to talk to him about his soul. I looked down at him and said "Lynn, do you know where you will go when you die? Have you talked to the Lord, and asked him to forgive you of your sins?" Lynn looked at me and said "Yes." My heart was about to explode, I asked him again "Have you truly asked the Lord into your heart?" Again he said "Yes, I have." As soon as he spoke this the nurse came to the door and said "We need to take you in now." My mind and heart were racing, after all the years of standing and believing for his salvation; here in this waiting room, I see the answer to those prayers. In silence I prayed "Please God, don't take him yet, please help him get through this and raise him up to serve you and heal him." He did get through the procedure that day, and I was able to get him back home, but he only lived nine more months. God had proven his patience, love and determination to get Lynn to finally let him into his heart, but though I believe in the power of God to heal; it is God who makes the decisions on when we breath our last breath, and when it's our time to go. The good news, and the best part of this is knowing Lynn's gone ahead of me, and I'll see him again in heaven, and the satisfaction of knowing the devil lost a man he thought was his.
One more brief example. After Lynn's death, I knew I would sell our farm. It was a difficult decision, but I knew it was God's will to do this. I put it on the market for a fixed sum, and the realtor brought quite a few people to it, all of them said they liked it, but tried to get me to lower the price. I had received a price from the Lord, and stayed with it. I declined lower offers, the realtor was not happy with me for doing this. The farm didn't sell in the time agreed with the realtor, so I took it off the market, gave the situation to God, and waited. Shortly after this, during haying season, a woman called me and asked if I was still interested in selling the house, I said yes, but was not willing to take less than the price I had offered it for before. She said that was fine, could she come and talk to me about it. I said sure, in a short time; within an hour she was at my door. I invited her in, showed her the inside, then the rest of the farm and the barn. She said she was willing to purchase the farm for the price I wanted and would be happy to pay the full price at the time of closing whenever I was interested in selling. Within a month the farm was sold for the full price I asked for it. I have all the receipts and paperwork for this transaction to prove this testimony. I could tell many more stories and experiences of God's guidance and learning to listen to His voice, but this makes the point.
So, this website will stay up, and I'll keep maintaining it, until God shows me otherwise. I didn't care when I started it whether it was ever popular or not. I started this because He asked me to, and that's the only reason I'm doing it. In the years I've kept it going, I've shown I'm not interested in money or people's approval. There's not enough money in the world to get me to do this; if I had my way, I'd be a hermit. But, there's also nothing in this world that will keep me from doing what I believe God has asked me to do, simply because He has asked me to. I'll go as far as I can with the resources, strength, and ability I have. I know there's a lot of people who come here that these numbers do not show; they are meaningless really. God's using this for His purposes, that's all that matters. It's also a witness against the principalities and powers of darkness, and I get satisfaction in knowing this. It's a weapon of spiritual warfare.
This website, and the new site I've started, The NightWatchman, are full of flaws and imperfections, I think it's God's sense of humor to choose a widow from the back woods of Vermont to simply be a witness for Jesus Christ, and see how far an old woman can go, just to serve Him. To show His power to save, heal, restore, forgive...even to the uttermost, and those in deep sin. And, when he saves them, he keeps working with them, and renewing them day by day. He doesn't give up on you when you fail, falter, and get sorely attacked from demonic oppression. He stays right there, waiting for you to just turn back around and say "Lord, help me, save me, heal me, forgive me." As He says in His word:
Joh 10:27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:
Joh 10:28 And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.
Joh 10:29 My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand.
Who could not love a God like this. Come to Jesus, won't you?